Emotional Blackmail summary

Although emotional blackmail is hard to spot, we can diagnose it by seeking out the six key symptoms that distinguish it: desire, resistance, pressure, threats, compliance and, finally, repetition.

Emotional blackmail begins with an individual’s desire being blocked by resistance. Anna and Artie were a couple seeing the author together for therapy. Artie wanted to move in with Anna – that was his desire. But Anna, though she deeply cared about Artie, wasn’t ready to live with him yet. She explained that having her own space was important to her – that was her resistance to Artie’s desire.

In the first blink, we learned how easy it was to turn a blind eye to emotional blackmail. Now let’s take a closer look at how the FOG, that is, fear, obligation and guilt, of emotional blackmail prevents us from seeing the actual state of our relationships.

Fear is the fuel of emotional blackmail. The blackmailer acts out of fear, using it as a weapon against their partner. People prone to manipulative behavior are often driven by a powerful fear of abandonment leftover from negative childhood experiences. This deep fear of abandonment can cause people to manipulate others they care about as soon as they fear they aren’t truly loved.

Not all conflict in relationships is a case of emotional blackmail. How can you tell? The key difference is whether your partner really wants to find a solution or whether he simply wants to win.

People who actively attempt to resolve conflicts will speak openly about what they want while taking into consideration their partner’s feelings and desires. They try to clearly and cooperatively find the source of the tension, and understand and accept ownership for their contribution to it.

We’re all susceptible to emotional blackmail – though some of us more than others. It all comes down to a handful of traits that make certain people more vulnerable. These include the need for validation from others, difficulty with confrontation, low self-esteem and a desire to save others. People with these traits are likely to prioritize the blackmailer’s needs above their own.

This was the case with Elliot and Eve, an artist couple. Elliot was quite successful, while Eve was just getting started. Eve moved in with him early on in their relationship to save money. Later on, she expressed interest in taking graphic design classes, but Elliott was entirely against the idea.

How can we avoid falling prey to emotional blackmail? Here are a few simple steps you can take.

The first is to resist reaction to the blackmailer’s provocations. Blackmailers may attempt to create an atmosphere of tension that makes victims feel like they have to comply immediately or continue to suffer. To avoid this, be firm and buy yourself some time.

If you’ve realized over the course of these blinks that you’re a victim of emotional blackmail and want to put an end to it, what should you do? Here are some final tips to get you on your way.

First off, get to know your boundaries. If it’s clear to you that, after mapping out your partner’s actions and your reactions, her manipulative behavior is weighing on you, then don’t push this aside. Instead, dig deeper and work out when your boundaries have been crossed. This way you’ll recognize when she’s going too far in the future. You’ll also be better able to communicate your boundaries, so your partner knows exactly what you will and won’t tolerate.